A Cat's Roar

Working mom

2012-01-08T20:11:00.000-08:00

And I have a job again! I am now a proud working mom of this little girl:

I only have to work 3 days! It's great:o)The girl is turning 1 this month. My has time flown by. She's a great kid, upbeat and happy. I couldn't have asked for a better kid.

2011-11-21T10:46:00.001-08:00

Saw this movie yesterday. Man, was I glad it was over after 104 min!

Jobless again (but for once, was sacked)

2011-09-15T13:44:00.000-07:00

Wow, lots a stuff happened. For the first time in my life, I got laid off. Cut backs, every department had to ditch some workers but it still hurt my ego. But I get a pretty nice welfare check every month, I have tenants who pay on time and of course, I have J who's not the sugardude everyone thinks he is and I'm a lot more independent than some people give me credit for but it is good to know we won't starve to death and that I'm not alone in this one. However, I pay for a lot of groceries, stuff for Stella and a vacation. And when I booked this vacation, I had a very decent paying job so with my labor and pregnancy not that far in my rearviewmirror I booked us an all-inclusive in Mauritius. And that shit does not come cheap folks! (or folk, I'm lucky to have one reader over there!)But I'm almost finished paying for the damn trip, and it better be filled with JOY-LAUGHTER-GOODFOODANDDRINKS-LOVE! I'm looking forward to spending time with my man and enjoy the scenery over there. And today I was the victim of a lady pickpocketer. Snapped it right from under Stella's ass, aka the baby-carriage storage thingy. I know, it's my own fault for putting my wallet there. I have to say, I am in awe of the nerve of that woman.But, who the fuck cares if you have this:Exactly what I was thinking. :o)

It's on with Stella

2011-06-06T13:10:00.000-07:00

She's the sweetest girl I've ever met, hardly ever cries and if she does, it's because she wants to burp or a clean diaper. She laughs all the time, it's ridiculous, this girls' sense a humor.

Little angel

2011-01-30T04:37:00.000-08:00

She's sooooo sweet! She sleeps like a baby during the night and from 9 to 12 is her busiest time, in other words, she has her eyes open. She seldom cries and if she does it's because she's hungry, or her diaper is being changed and she's hungry AND cold or when she needs to burp. So it's safe to say she's a little angel!

The girl and her Dad...they're soooo cute!

My little girl, Stella

2011-01-25T12:38:00.000-08:00

She was born on January 19, and we had an incredibly fast delivery. I had the returning contractions at 5:00, at 7:00 I was 4 cm dilated. We arrived at the hospital at 9:30 and after puffing my way through the contractions in the bathtub for about 2,5 hours she was born in two pushes at 12:22. Oh my, this was the best day of my life. I love, love, love her! She's so sweet and innocent and she looooves eating, sleeping and cuddling!

I LOVE YOU. I never thought I could love someone like I love you. :-))

Almost there!

2011-01-10T11:23:00.000-08:00

38 weeks and I feel great! I can still ride my bicycle, go to museums/movies/grocery stores/shopping for clothes, cook (still not my favourite thing to do but it feels kinda good to put food on the table). Went to the midwife and the girl's moving around a lot, she growing fine in my belly and she's decending very well. And my check-ups went great too. I don't know on what kind of hormonal cloud I'm residing these days but I'm so very happy. But also at times insecure, A LOT more insecure than I've ever been in my whole life. Including puberty. Yikes!

Hello relaxation!

2010-12-16T03:47:00.000-08:00

J had some stuff going on, and I didn't like to talk about it 'cause I didn't want to jinx it. But now it's over!! It was a big ass law suit that, worst case scenario, could have made him lose everything. It has been going on long before I'd met him but it became clear not long into our courtship that he was feeling pretty low because of it. I always had a pretty good feeling about the outcome, I always thought:

1. He's a good guy. Sure at times, he fucks things up, has bad judgment, he has a bad temper but he helps people out whenever he can, he's not greedy and he has pretty high morals. He's good and I love him.

2. I'm a lucky girl. I just couldn't believe that after all these years struggling and fighting with B, and thinking I couldn't have kids for all this time, I (unbeknownst to us both) get pregnant by someone I fell in love with so fast. I believe too much in life and am too positive to think I could be sooo happy after all this time and have the rug pulled out from under me so fast. (this is a bit egocentric, I KNOW)

Of course, there will be other clouds coming up, fuckin up my view. But for now things are good, and I'm in the best place in my life to be almost 8 months pregnant.

How do the Englishmen do this?

2010-12-07T02:23:00.000-08:00

I ate too many sausages for breakfast and now I'm a bit nauseous. Ugh. I thought I could handle more food while pregnant but let me tell you it's a bit disappointing, the quantities I can ingest.

4,5 months off..whoa.

2010-12-06T16:55:00.000-08:00

Maternity leave has only just begun and let me tell you, we're becoming fast friends:-)
I had my last day Thurday, with some nice presents from work and lots of hugs and kisses. I was a bit worried that I'd be bored out of my mind for 4,5 months and that I'd miss my job and co-workers too much. And this weekend I was a bit melancholic I must admit. But right now, I'm starting to get the hang of it and I love it! I used to do this all the time when I was in uni but somehow these past 3 years of working full time has brainwashed me into thinking life without work is no life at all. Turns out there is life after all!!! And I love it! J went to a meeting with his bro after dinner. So I ironed and did some other chores and then I fell asleep on the couch. When I woke up at 1am I thought to myself 'Crappy, I have to get in bed, it's waaaay too late to be up on a week day!' And then I went 'Wait a minute... I'm on leave, I can do whatever the hell I want!' So now I'm sitting here, blogging and surfin the net looking to score a deal on some shoes or whatever.

Isn't life grand?

Land. Lord!

2010-11-13T05:00:00.000-08:00

I bought an appartment 1,5 year ago and my intentions were to stay and live there, on my own for a few years. Little did I know that I would get pregnant in two shakes and be living together with J in a blink of an eye. So I put an ad on the internet, had 40 people expressing their interest and I had 6 people coming in this morning but had one no-show and one who had to work but called and let me know that she wanted to rent it without seeing it. Nigga whut?

There was this nice young, normal looking couple, the guy had studied Communication just like I did and the girl worked for the government. There was another younger couple that were still in school, girl at the art academy and the boy... I can't remember. Then some weird-looking older dude. And two girl students who were a bit redneck.

I think I'll go with the first couple. They seemed really nice and for some reason if someone has studied the same thing as I have I kinda dig them even if I don't really know them. So, if all goes well I will have tenants in a few weeks and more cash coming in that I can spend on my baby!

Our little family

2010-11-06T14:46:00.000-07:00

Hello my little girl,

I just wanted to tell you how much love there is in my heart for the family that we're about to have. Your Dad and I may not know eachother that long or all too well but whenever I think of him I feel so happy to have met him. When I come home and open the door and hear or feel that he's home I smile. And when I'm already home and I hear him coming in, I feel so good.

I really love him and we both really love you and I feel like there has never been a child that's more welcome than you are. You already are the light of our lives and I cannot wait to meet you. I feel you kicking and moving around all the time, every day I can see your arms and legs poking me and it's just magical!

So, we still have 3 months to go. I will eat well, get enough rest and chill out so all you have to do is hang in there, grow and exercise those muscles:-) See you in a little while, my little baby girl. I love you. I love you.

The lonely killer whale

2010-11-02T19:52:00.000-07:00

J wants to go skiing in December. 14th till 19th. I don't know, the baby 's due January 24th and I keep reading stuff about babies being born in week 26 and stuff and I'm already 28 weeks along. I know if I really give it the ixnay he won't go but I don't want to be spoiling his fun. I also know he deserves it, he has worked so hard on the beach and has quite a few shitty things going on. But hey, he has a dream gf right now so that should make everything right, right? Just kidding.

I called in sick this Monday. I don't feel so well, my tummy keeps getting hard and painful. Maybe I'll call the midwife tomorrow, just to hear it's nothing and I should just mellow the fuck out.

My Mom and I are still not on speaking terms and I hate it but I know it's better for me this way. It caused way too much stress and it's not good for the baby.

Watergirl

2010-10-22T14:13:00.000-07:00

I went to the movies (a Dutch one! It was beautiful) yesterday with my fake mom. I went to the movies (A Thai one! It was weird) again with my best friend Oliver. He went home with me to drink a beer and I had a tea. Then he went to hang at a friend's place and now it's 11 pm and I'm sitting here. I must admit it's pretty damn boring.

We went to take a look at a birth hotel today, we went to see another a few weeks ago and while this hospital has a much better vibe, it's smaller and it feels nice. I don't get the dead people vibe over there. But, the other place has a BATH and I'd really like to give birth in a bath and/or chill out between contractions. J likes the smaller hospital better but, of course, it's up to me.

I guess I have some time left to decide! And take a look at giving-birth-in-bath sites.

Wood!

2010-10-15T23:13:00.001-07:00

J and I went to dinner at my fake Mom's home. We had a lovely Maroccan dinner and we shared some pretty funny stories about the children's daycare that her two sons (one of them was my best friend in high school) went to in the late 70's, early 80's. It was an anti-authority daycare that was found in the 60's, although it wasn't anti authority anymore when they went there.

There were three rooms and the last room in the back had no wooden floor, just sand. It was one big sand box! The mothers and fathers all volunteered there too and there were monthly meetings where they talked about things like: May the kids bring the sand in all the other rooms too or does sand only belong in the sand box? Are plastic toys allowed or strictly antroposofic wooden toys? Also, kids were allowed to bite eachother, because they couldn't speak yet and that was their only way to let other children known that they didn't approve of something. David, one of my friends was always the one who was bitten! And by the time the other kids could talk, he could bite!

Such wonderful stories that make me even more excited about our baby! What adventures are we going to have?

I asked my fake mom to be at the birth of our little girl, to calm me. She said yes.

Not so great

2010-10-07T05:39:00.000-07:00

I had an email fight with my Mom, courtesy of my brother. I told her she was egotistical and she told me Moms can NEVER be egotistical.

It's easy to make a baby, in my opinion but it doesn't mean you're sure to make a good mom. But I guess we'll always disagree.

Living together

2010-10-05T06:05:00.000-07:00

I moved in with J! So far it feels good. I had a bit of a hormonal shit storm yesterday, 'cause my bro irritated the hell outta me and I was crying and thought: I wanna go home! But J was having dinner with his best friend and when he came home he kissed it all better. That was good. And now I'm cleaning out the fridge. There's a bunch of stuff I want to get done around here before our little girl comes.

I had my first pregnancy yoga class yesterday and I feel good. :-)

It's a...

2010-09-24T01:25:00.000-07:00

...girl!!!

We went in for another ultra sound and this time the lady knew exactly what to do. We're so happy, everything looked good although she's a bit thin, so I have to go lie down for half an hour every day to make her chubby. Guess I'll just do that.

We're going furniture shopping this afternoon. Yay! I'm so happy! What kind of girl will she be?

I had dinner at Cris'place yesterday with Emily and we watched a scary movie about a little girl who was possessed by a demon. I couldn't really watch it since I'm having a little girl mself so I took a nap next to my girlfriends. I gave Em a ride home and all in all it was a fun night in with the girls.

Here we go again!

2010-09-22T13:06:00.000-07:00

So we're gong in for another ultra sound tomorrow afternoon. I can't wait to find out if the little kicker inside my belly's a boy or a girl! But I'm trying to remain cool 'cause it might just be his/her favourite position and in that case we won't find out until the end of January. It's such a loooooooong time, aaah!

I'm very tired so I'm going upstairs with a cup of tea. Goodnight.

Still no news

2010-09-14T10:40:00.000-07:00

The ultrasound was good 'cause we know that the baby has a good heart, head, kidneys, ten fingers and toes.... but we couldn't see the bladder or the pipi 'cause he/she kept his legs together! The echoscopiste kept poking but to no avail. SO we're going back next week to check it all out again. I was so looking forward to it.

Here's a pic of J, the big belly and I in London.

I guess I'm through with being anonymous! I wanna post some pics, that's probably the hormones :-D

Boy or girl

2010-09-02T05:19:00.000-07:00

I can feel him/her kicking! It happened the first time in London, we were kissing in the garden of the Big Ben (believe it or not). And now I feel it all the time! Next Tuesday we're going in for the 20-weeks ultrasound and then we'll see if it's a boy or a girl!

I'm so happy and in love and also a bit hormonal which makes me sweeter (I don't like arguing anymore) but I also cry easier. I can't wait to buy some more clothes and stuff:-)

Almost old

2010-08-07T03:42:00.000-07:00

I'm 29! I didn't really celebrate it, but I went to dinner with J at my mom's and some of my closest relatives came over. It was nice. Everybody says my breasts are waaay bigger than they used to. I sure hope they'll change back into their normal state, I was very happy with the way they were. J made me a wonderful breakfast and we're going to London next weekend! :-)

Sleepy!

2010-08-04T10:04:00.000-07:00

Almost everybody who's anybody in my life knows about the baby. And it feels calmer. I went to see some friends in rural Holland, they have a second house there and they're like my second parents. I told them about some troubles J and I were having, they gave me advice and it was great to be there and to get some calm sleep and enjoy the outdoors. I'm following through on the advice and things are looking bright.

I'm so sleepy, I'm gonna crash on the couch before J'll come home and eat chili with me.

Hormones

2010-07-24T00:20:00.000-07:00

I had an off day yesterday, sometimes I feel a bit lonely. Maybe it's because this pregnancy wasn't planned and I still do the things I used to do. For instance, tonight there's a party at Jerome's beachhouse. Normally I'd go out of my mind, drinking all kinds of yummy stuff and taking the occassional party drug. But now, I go with my friends and drink cokes and sodas. And it's still fun but I feel out of it. So I called Sandy, and with her having a kiddo that'll turn 1 next month said she had that too and that it's normal and it's also my body preparing me for being a mother and focussing on myself and the baby. So after that phonecall I felt better. I'm still going out tonight but it'll just be different and that's ok. I contemplated not going out anymore and staying in, but I don't know what I'm gonna do with my time. Plus, I figured in due time, my belly will be so big, I won't be able to go out anymore so I'm just gonna enjoy myself while I still can.

Jerome is a sweetheart. I love him so much and it feels wonderful to form a family with him in 6 months. I always had boyfriends, ever since I was 14 but I never ever had a connection like this before. Sure, I was in love. Deeply in love. But this is just a whole other level.

Baby!

2010-07-20T01:25:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired and sick every day. But apart from that I feel great! My belly's getting bigger and I'm eating lots of food, mainly healthy but I also indulge everyday with a cookie, potato chips or icecream. There's just no stopping me, I've never felt my empty stomach the way I do now.

We also had our second echo and everything looked and sounded great. Ten fingers, ten toes and a perfect little head. Yay!

There are some people who have their doubts about me getting pregnant so quick and me being 28 and Jerome being 41. But I love him and I already love our little one. And I think we're gonna be great parents. There's some stuff going on in his life that has to be sorted out but I'm confident we'll get through this better and stronger.

We went to eat at his mom's place yesterday, his brother was there with his girlfriend and their baby. I feel so at home with his family and I'm very happy with that! In-laws can be great:-)

A baby!

2010-07-13T01:46:00.000-07:00

I'm 12 weeks pregnant! And I'm very happy about it. The first trimester was filled with suprise, angst, nauseousness and happiness (of course) but I'm feeling better and better and I cannot wait to meet my first born child. Jerome is very happy about it too, we both are. By the end of January we'll (if all goes well) have a little one!

And I have to grow up now

2010-05-29T06:48:00.000-07:00

There are some major changes happening here, but I can't talk about them just yet. I'm confused but very, very happy. As good ole John Frusciante says (and ain't it the truth!):

People never seem to know, what they least suspect is coming next!

Moving on

2010-05-18T03:14:00.000-07:00

Guess I'm not the only one who's moving on. Some friends told me they ran into B at a party, with a new girlfriend. And, she looks just like me! Weird huh? Karolyn asked if she was his new GF, and he said not really, just a fling right in front of the girl. That's not so nice. And then he asked her what she thought about Jerome (my new squeeze) and went psycho on her and started a monologue about how bad he is for me and what a bad decision I'm making to be with this guy. Pfff.

I'm glad he's found someone, 'cause with his mom being sick and all, he really needs a mate. But does it has to be someone who looks like me?? And there's one thing I am jealous of, and that's the fact that she is now the girl who hangs out with his friends. I really miss hanging out and dicking around with his friends. But our town's small and I run into them quite often so I guess I have to just let it go.

Meanwhile, I broke into hives last weekend. I played with Sandy's kid on Saturday and he had lots of skin issues , so my doc says it could be from him. Or it could be something else. So I'm working from home for two days and will not see Jerome 'till my skin's cleared up some more. Ugh. I hate staying in!

Too everything

2010-04-27T11:52:00.000-07:00

I've met someone and so far he's been wonderful! I think I'm falling in love. I know it's quick after B. And I've made a resolution to stay single at least for the summer but I don't know I just can't let this one walk away. He's too good.

Magical times

2010-04-09T02:45:00.000-07:00

I had a wonderful night yesterday with Marianne, her bf, Karolyn and a few dudes. Lots of laughs!

And, I have plans to go out with someone tonight. I can't wait!!

For your viewing pleasure

2010-03-27T07:32:00.001-07:00

Hahaha the first pic is just sexy but the second... he sure has a sense a humour!

my life right now

2010-03-25T13:51:00.001-07:00

Downers: I'm still heart broken. I'm very tired, I'm not getting enough sleep. After B and I had sex, we've been calling eachother like we used to and it's not the best thing to do when you're broken up. I don't have time to heal. It's my day off tomorrow but I have to work for a few hours.

Uppers: Emily and her boyfriend came over to have dinner yesterday evening and it was really nice. It's good to hang with them. They're so happy together, it rubs off on me! I'm going out with a friend of mine tomorrow with whom I haven't hung out with for over 5 years. B and I keep talking and secretly I really dig it... It's almost weekend!!

sex with my ex

2010-03-23T13:31:00.000-07:00

I went over to B's bachelor pad to bring his stuff and to take mine. There were tears but some laughs too. And we had sex. We exchanged keys and that was that. I don't know, I feel fine with it. It's still over but we most definitely still love eachother. It's just not working.

I don't really know how I feel about all this. I feel good but confused.

Loved it!

2010-03-18T12:38:00.000-07:00

I went to see Alice in Wonderland yesterday evening with Emily and her new bf. He's a sweetheart, they're a wonderful couple! I really dug this movie, the characters were beautiful, the acting was fantastic, except for the White Queen. It was too... bland. But I say go see if you want to feel exhilirated!

Our first fight

2010-03-15T09:55:00.000-07:00

We split up almost 2 months ago, and we were very cool to eachother in all this time. We called, emailed, texted and just saw eye2eye about the break up. It was inevitable and better like this. But tonight we had our first fight as a non-couple. He kept asking me what I thought was wrong with him as a bf and I didn't really wanted to get into that (again!) Because we've talked about it so much and I just can't take it anymore.

I asked him to call me less 'cause I keep crying, I can't stop crying if I keep talking to him all the time. I was up all night so I called him and was a bit more firm this time. Told him to please stop calling me 'cause it's making me crazy, I can't sleep while I had to wake up very early to meet a deadline at work. And in the end we shouted and screamed. He wants us to exchange our stuff and house keys and get it over with. Well, I guess he has a point there. Better to just close the doors and get on with it. It's been long enough.

On top of all that, it's raining cats and dogs! Aaaah! Where's the sun?

Best friends

2010-03-07T13:21:00.000-08:00

I'm so nervous! Fuck man, how LOOOONG will this take?!

I called Arvin one of B's best friends earlier. I kept crying. He was really sweet. I wanted to call B but that isn't the best idea right now. It was good to talk to him. They went partying yesterday and he still hadn't slept. I can't take any shit right now, I'm afraid I'll never stop crying. But I look forward to summer, I hope I'll be ready for some hard ass partying!

Small happy moments

2010-03-06T14:31:00.000-08:00

I went out yesterday, clubbing with Kim, her bf and another couple who're not my friends but whom I dig very much. There was a gay/lesbian party on one floor and a normal party on the other. The gay fest was waaaay more popular and the music was great so we just danced with the homos. The party photographer kept taking pics of me with the other girl, I guess they thought we were a nice couple hahaha.

At the end of the night, around 5 am the other couple got into a fight. The guy was pissed off. I hated that that happened but I thought to myself, hey that's a pro of being single: I don't have fights anymore!!!

This morning while in bed nursing my hangover and watching episodes of Desperate Housewives I cried 'cause I missed B so much.

Baby steps, huh? :-)

Dry spell

2010-03-02T13:09:00.001-08:00

No sex these past two weeks. Nobody knows how long this'll go on. I sure as hell don't know but I know sucks. Well, it doesn't suck and that's the problem!

Thank God it ain't spring yet!

Fucking hell what am I gonna do???

I felt shitty...

2010-02-28T14:39:00.000-08:00

...but I'm laughing my ass off, after seeing this pic of good ole Matthew after breaking up with Penelope. Everybody goes through break-ups! I should just take my time, go out with friends, stay in and wallow in my pain for short whiles. I hung out with my uncle and brother tonight which was good. My bro and I talked about B and it felt ok. I miss him but I think I'm just gonna hit the sack and be ok.

Not so stable (but getting there!)

2010-02-22T03:14:00.000-08:00

I'm going out for the first time as a single girl this Thursday. I've been to the pub a few times and it was ok fun, but now I'm going out with girls with whom I always stay out 'till the lights are turned on. We'll go out to dinner first and then hit some dancefloors. Too bad the floors in our city are not that exciting but it will be a weird first for me so it'll be exciting enough. I'm looking forward to it but also not 'cause I always call B when I'm tipsy, ask where he's at and tell him I love him. Don't wanna be doing that so maybe I'll give my phone to one of my friends!

I was at Sandy's place yesterday and she told me she thought it'd be better to call it quits and that she also thinks he has cheated on me in the past. She won't say if she heard it from Conrad but I have a feeling she has. She also told me B cheated on his ex-girlfriend lots of times, Conrad always had to cover for him. B never told me that. So, it's good to be talking to friends who know him too. I don't know what I will do to get through the first few weeks but I'm doing alright. I'm not jumping into the arms of other men, just hang out here and there, planning my first outings and also planning some vacays. The first ones in what feels like ages without B.

I'll be going to Madrid in April with a girlfriend (her parents have an apartment there) and the South of France in May with Krissy and a friend of hers whose parents have a house (with pool!) there. And also South America and the Carribean by the end of the summer where my Dad and an old high school friend lives, maybe around my B-day. The great part of it is that I'm gonna be couchsurfing/staying in the spare room so I'll have more money to play with:-)

Plus, in August Krissy, Emily and I will be going to Lowlands a three day Dutch music festival. And also a one day rave festival in summer, B and I go together every year to one of those so I'll be with my friends for the first time this year. Yeaah!

So while I'm still a bit of a homebody right now and licking my wounds of the break up of 2010, I have a fun filled summer planned. I feel like Bambi on ice, you know, not standing firm on solid ground AT ALL emotionally but I'm getting there and my future's looking bright.

Am I Macauley?

2010-02-20T14:17:00.000-08:00

I got a text from B's best friend Conrad to meet up this week. Maybe he talked to B and heard how fucked up we are. Last night and this afternoon B and I called and emailed. It was intense: bawling, pointin' fingers but also room for jokes. We have such a great friendship underneath or weaved through our fucked up shit. I really couldn't sleep tonight and had a headache all morning but I had to go to a family thing. It was ok, but I'm not really myself.

My brother and I talked in the car. I asked him how long this fucked up feeling'll last. He said this heartbroken phase could last six months and that it depends on how fast I have another dude to distract me from B. But I always do that. Fill a void with another human. And I can't do it this time. I'm too heart broken and now I'm sitting here on Saturday evening, BLOGGING! When I was with B I partied my ass off and now I'm home alone.

Tryin' out something different

2010-02-15T06:37:00.001-08:00

When I met B I was still dating this obnoxious dude for a year. I let one of my good friends (F) get to 2nd base after a tequila filled evening at Emily's mom while I was already on very shaky grounds with The Obnoxious One (we'll call him The O.O.). After I gave B my phone number, we hadn't even kissed or anything, I dumped The O.O. It was a tumultuous time. I was only 22. The O.O. still wanted to get with me, F, my friend wanted to start a relationship and then I had B, the frivolous, handsome actor man boy with an irresistible smile. Plus, totally in the party mood at all times. We had a fun, drug and dance filled first year! Clearly, I chose B.

Before The O.O. I dated a nice boy (T) for 3 years. He wasn't the smartest but he was incredibly funny and creative. He couldn't dance for shit, he was one of those tough dudes that stood by the side of the dance floor so we stayed in, ate out and went to movies and such. I dumped him because near the end I had all these troubles with my mom and her second divorce and he was just not there for me. He came from a wonderful family so in retrospect, I couldn't hold it against him, his not knowing how to deal with fucked up families but back then I was very demanding and thought: If he can't deal with shit now, how can he deal with all the more shit I'm sure we'll have in the future? So I dumped him, after The O.O.'s gave Krissy his number to pass on to me.

Before T, I dated a man 15 years my senior, but he was kinda dim and he lived in a room instead of a house plus he had all these debts so he wasn't really that ahead of me in development. We dated for a year but he was just a bit too stupid so when I met T at a hip hop party where we exchanged numbers I broke it off with The Senior the next day.

In other words, I have been seeing someone for the past more than 10 years!

This pattern is killing me! Always overlapping, afraid to break it off with someone unless I had someone else's number, even went astray once. Now B and I have broken up and I don't have anyone else on my mind. It's good to break this streak. If I keep doing what I'm always doing, things will never change. I know it is best this way but there's a very needy part of me who's afraid I'm gonna be single for the rest of my life. I miss B.

Omar Rodriquez is a good filmmaker

2010-02-07T07:17:00.000-08:00

We saw this movie at the film festival yesterday and it was awesome! Colorful, disturbing yet subtle. A really good combo, in my opinion. When it ended, I was disappointed 'cause I thought it was just getting started. I say go see!!!

My heart's fucked up

2010-02-02T12:45:00.000-08:00

B and I have broken up for the 100th time but it feels different now. All the other times I thought, we're just mad (mostly me), it'll blow over in a week or so. We'll talk about things and we'll kiss and make up. But now it's different. Maybe it's because I was always mad at him for some stunt he pulled and now I was the one doing the pullin'. And we're not mad anymore, we talk and email and text but it's just not the same and I feel a hole burning in my stomach that I've never felt before. I can't remember feeling so alone!

My apartment's a mess but I cannot get myself to clean the goddamn place up. I wonder how long this will take? I wonder if us keeping in touch makes it all the more difficult to get over us?
I have my friends, I can always call them and stuff but every time we talk it's not satisfying. Because it's not him.

Chill the fuck out

2010-01-25T06:21:00.000-08:00

Fucking hell, I'm working from home and the neighbours' baby has been screaming for the past 5 hours or something. I regret mailing them an 'It's a boy' postcard. Whiny little creep.

Is this what it feels like....

2010-01-25T01:23:00.000-08:00

To have children? Ha!

My weekend...

2010-01-24T13:43:00.000-08:00

I went to see this Dutch rock band on Friday with B and B's parents. It was fun but we had seats and that's a bit boooo-ring! Plus it was at a little bit fancy theatre so we couldn't DRINK. What fun is a concert when you can't throw some beers around??

Went to see a Dutch movie with my granny (she heard that it was good and wanted to go, my granny's pretty cool if I do say so myself) and mom about a man whose woman has cancer, he has lots of affairs to deal with it and she euthinizes herself in the end. They had a daughter and I cried. I told B he shouldn't go, well, only if he's in the mood for 90 minutes of bawling.

Karolyn celebrated her B-day Friday, I think she's mad at me or something but I don't know why, exactly. Oh well...it was a nice B-day!

B and I had sushi for lunch and we talked about kid's names, yay!

Went to visit a friend with my fake mother and had dinner and wine and lots and lots of great conversations. I love all girl evenings! Unfortunately I had to drive back so the other's were drunk talking while I was just stone cold sober. Hate that;-)

I took down my Christmas tree. You see, letting go is not my forte. It's one of the reasons B and I are still together, ha!

I really LOVE the internet and all but...

2010-01-19T02:03:00.000-08:00

...you know what I miss? Videostores! You know, when you missed the movie in the theatres (you've been planning to go but when you finally get around to it, it doesn't show anymore) and you can always go to the trusty videostore. You don't have to wait 2 years before they come on tv. And B is a big fan of downloading and I really dig all those watch online for free sites but come on... is one good videostore really too much to ask for? I don't know how things are in the states but out here they've collapsed one by one and a few weeks ago I found out that the biggest one fell down too. I went to rent a dvd with my uncle and they said that I could keep the dvd.

We bought this one and it sucked major ASS. Great cast but shitty story and all the sex was really not cool. It was gratuitous, whatever that really means.

Where are the 90s when you need them?

Cracks me up!!

2010-01-16T10:28:00.000-08:00

Stole these from: www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com. Hilarious!

The last pages of a great book...

2009-12-28T07:24:00.000-08:00

I only have about ten pages I can read before the whole Twilight saga has come to an end, unfortunately. I really didn't know what all the buzz was about, until I watched the first two movies back to back while being ill and then picked up the books and then I was hooked. I read a few gossip sites and while I wasn't interested in the whole R-Patz/K-Stew shite but now I AM!!!

And I'm not even in their demograph, I'm such a nerd! I have a week off from work so I'm just gonna lounge a bit, hang around at home and find a good NY-eve party to go to.

Oh, and my Christmas was GREAT, I hope yours was as delightful as mine.

Mohom!

2009-12-23T07:04:00.000-08:00

A random pic of Joe Gordon! totally dug 500 days of Summer. It had cute, believable actors, nice graphic effects and it's a realistic love story... I say go see!

After this, a rant about my mom. Ugh. ;-)

My mom has been having really foul moods for the last 6 months or longer and it's beginning to freak me out. It's really a grave's atmosphere in her and her boyfriend's house, my mom lies in bed, watching tv and her bf's sitting downstairs watching soccer games or something. There is NO LOVE out there. We don't hang out that often either, I don't know we just kind of drifted apart after her second divorce and her acting all weird. I was in uni at the time, so while I did my best to comfort her I had to choose me and not let me get sucked in like I did after she divorced my dad.

Last weekend I had to pick her up, cause it was snowing and she went by tram. After she got in me car she told me she had to swing by her brother, my uncle who's just a lost case (a sweet one, but lost) and she had to give him some money. That was fine by me. When we gave him some dough she asked me to swing by another uncle to give him some Christmas cake. I said no, 'cause we were all over the place with all the ice on the road and I didn't like to drive when it's a damn slip 'n slide out there. So, I told her that and she told me she didn't like to drive either and then I asked, if she didn't want to drive herself in this weather, why was she making me drive all over town?! Sjeesj.

That afternoon we were sewing my drapes at her place and she started to cry and tell me how she couldn't take it anymore and that she just wanted peace and nobody to bother her. We have quite a big family, and while some are very succesful, businessmen, pilots, athletics and entrepeneurs, some of the members are the exact opposite. And lots of people ask my mom for favors, and it has been that way all my life. My dad has always said my mom let her own family come before our family.

So when she started wailing I told her people keep asking her to do stuff for her 'cause she's been doing them all her life without letting them know her boundaries. I told her that nobody could smell she wasn't up for running their darn errands, and that she should tell them she couldn't/wouldn't do them and why. And then she told me she never asks anybody for anything and that she doesn't understand why other people do. Of course I told her that she asked me to drive in the snow and ice to two uncles, while it's unsafe and not a pleasure at all to drive that morning. And that if I hadn't told her I wouldn't do it, she wouldn't have known and therefore she should TELL people what's on her mind.

You know what she said: "But this was just an incident, I never ask you to do anything for me"

Woman? Nevermind.

I guess that makes me miss my dad even more.

Lots of more snow

2009-12-21T00:29:00.000-08:00

It's been snowing so much, I think it's the thickest layer of whiteness I've ever seen in my life! (in this country)

It's beautiful but it sucks too, 'cause you can't go anywhere. I can't drive my car and I can't ride my bike and the buses and trams are staying in, too. B is such a daredevil he just hops in the car, so we've planned to go and go for a walk in the snow this afternoon.

Tumors, Schnee and TGIF!

2009-12-18T01:30:00.000-08:00

A John pic, since I'm still grieving over the divorce;-)

I'm working from home today, due to the snow. It's great! I have a few stuff I really have to finish but after that, I have a 4-day weekend! After that 2 days of work, on Wednesday and Thursday, and Wednesday should be fun 'cause my partner in work-related crime and I are gonna celebrate our results after work, with a bunch of other people if they wanna come. Yay! We've won 2 big tenders in the last few months and that's really great considering the economy and the fact that we just begun working at this firm and have zero experience in this field. We have lots of fun together so it makes it extra special that we can also have great results.

Went to the neurosurgeon yesterday, with my uncle. He has to have the tumor removed at another hospital, so we have to wait 'till they contact us and then they'll get it out. The good part is that the tumor is quite far away from his motoric and speech areas so he thinks they can get 100% of the thing out of his head.

Went to Austria with my granny, mom, uncle, aunt and brother last weekend. We had a blast! We went sleighing and shopping in Salzburg and had an alround lovely time. I have pics but B has got the cable so I'll post whenever they're on my disk. Have a great Friday!

John has left

2009-12-16T23:50:00.000-08:00

There were lots of rumors floating around the internet and well, I guess we can finally say for real, that John Frusciante has quit the Red Hot Chili Peppers. He has his own site (http://johnfrusciante.com), where he does not post that often but today he has and it is what it is:

When I quit the band, over a year ago, we were on an indefinite hiatus. There was no drama or anger involved, and the other guys were very understanding. They are supportive of my doing whatever makes me happy and that goes both ways.

To put it simply, my musical interests have led me in a different direction. Upon rejoining, and throughout my time in the band, I was very excited about exploring the musical possibilities inherent in a rock band, and doing so with those people in particular. A couple of years ago, I began to feel that same excitement again, but this time it was about making a different kind of music, alone, and being my own engineer.

I really love the band and what we did. I understand and value that my work with them means a lot to many people, but I have to follow my interests. For me, art has never been something done out of a sense of duty. It is something I do because it is really fun, exciting, and interesting. Over the last 12 years, I have changed, as a person and artist, to such a degree that to do further work along the lines I did with the band would be to go against my own nature. There was no choice involved in this decision. I simply have to be what I am, and have to do what I must do.

Sending love and gratitude to you all.

It sucks but we have lots and lots of albums to listen to, plus he ain't quitting music so we have all of his solo shit and whatever else is gonna come. But it feels like a divorce.

Just too fierce

2009-11-12T12:11:00.001-08:00

Look at those normal old folks in the background!!! They all just stand and stare. I don't know who she is exactly but her name is Donyale Luna, I've seen her in pics with Brian Jones and she was in her prime and clearly ahead of her time in those days. Wonder if she still rocks those boots every now and then!

I looooove him

2009-11-12T12:11:00.000-08:00

My uncle, my favourite uncle, the one that went with me to Amsterdam get my first and only tattoo, the one who got me tickets for the chili peppers, at whose shoulder I cried on when my heart was broken, with whom I went to gazillion movies with, has a brain tumor. It's not cancer, but it's as big as a man's ear and they're getting it out in January. He had a epileptic attack last week, and he was in the hospital for 6 days. He's home now and he's on a shitload of meds and cannot be left alone. If he gets an attack again you have to give him a rectal med!!! Ha!

So I've been with him every day and my grandma has flown in. She's staying until the tumor's out of his body.

I am positive though, 'cause we were in the hospital yesterday, and it turns out he indeed doesn't have tumors in the rest of his body. So a little bit of yay:-)

Oh Baby, where art thou?

2009-10-25T12:44:00.000-07:00

I've been off the pill for a few months now (three) and nothing happens. I wonder how long this'll take? I'm certainly not spastic about the whole baby thing but I am curious, after years and years and years of preventing the seed to dig in, how long will it take to hit the jackpot? It's in God's hands I suppose and I'm always very calm in you know, God's hands situations.

But I'm just so impatient!! :-D

A little conversation at B's parents, just to illustrate what I have to go through week after week, month after month. We were watching a tv show where a white lady acts like a black lady from Curacao and interviews other "celebrities". She has a body suit and is very well make-upped.

B's Dad: Wow, do you think you would see it if she came up to you and talked to you?

B's Mom: Well, I think I wouldn't see it, 'cause all those real black women are soooo ugly!

B's Dad: Yeah, but lots of white women are ugly too, you have ugly women in every race.

B's Mom: Yeah but the black women are really ugly!

B's Dad: Well, I think Catlin's a really beautiful girl.

B: But Cat's not a negro?!

WTF?! I can't tell you the degrees in which I have a really weird mix of love and LOATHING for my in-laws. In all these years I've come to like and love them but shhh, these people are such JACKASSES! I think it's my punishment for being such a bitch sometimes.

There, I've said it and I feel so much better now. Have a nice weekend!

In laws, shopping and some paranormal activity

2009-10-25T03:02:00.000-07:00

B and I went shopping in Amsterdam on Friday. He had a casting call but when he got there he found out he's not even available on the day of shooting. So he was there for nothing and it pissed him off! So we went shopping for boots and I just couldn't find anything. Except for one pair, but they were 525 dollars/350 euros!! I once bought shoes for that ridiculous amount of money and they were too big and I had to go through a lot of shit to return them. I didn't even get my money back but got store credit!! I'm such a shithead sometimes. Anyways, my girl Kim's a flight attendant and she's flying to Chicago tomorrow and can probably get the boots for 30 to 50% less than they cost here. Yay!

We went to the in laws yesterday and the shit is really about to hit the fan. Cancer... ugh. :-(

Blairwitch project was waaaay scarier than Paranormal Activity. Especially the part with the guy looking up Nadine on the internet with the Linda Blair lookalike eating her own arm. Shhhh. Sooooo unbelievable. Much ado about nothing!

Almost weekend!

2009-10-15T13:52:00.000-07:00

I really have been working my ass off lately and I'm soo tired!

I can work from home which is a blessing and a curse 'cause when it's 16.00, you're having a dip and you don't do much at work, besides chatting of surfin the net. And then you leave early and think, oh I can work some more at home tonight. And then you work from 20.00 till 23.00! But I've stopped doing that, 'cause you never ever have any free time that way!

Just came back from a difficult yoga class (the breathing techniques always give me headaches) and will fall asleep in 10 minutes! Thank fuck tomorrow's Friday!!!

Contractors! Money!

2009-10-08T13:28:00.000-07:00

B and I went to the beach today, well not in bikinis since it's October in froggity country but just to eat some fish and hang around. We shopped a bit and B bought me a really nice vest. Kid's size. I'm very tiny and lately I've been buying a bit more kid's clothing. Fixing up the apartment is costing me serious dough so it's a good way to shop frugally!

B wanted to buy some clothes too but I guess he wasn´t up for it. His mom´s cancer tumor hasn´t shrunken after her last chemotherapy treatment so while it wasn´t bad news (it hasn´t grown!) it ain't good either. B's so down and I feel so so sorry. I hung out at his parents house all day yesterday, 'cause his mom helped sew my new curtains. They are so beautiful! Nothing special but I like them all the more.

B did try on a bodywarmer. It doesn't suit his form. It reminded me of a bodywarmer I had when I was preteen. I was a bit of a wild one so one day I was rolling around on the grass of a soccer field. When I stood up I smelled something awful and it turned out I had been rolling around in some dog's turd. I took off my bodywarmer and left it there, on the field I was in such a shock. B reminded me that last summer, I was playing with my hands in the sand- I always do that, digging thing while I'm at the beach- when I asked him, what is this??? It was a turd covered in sand.

Anyway, my contractor has given me all the receipts this evening after he finished the last piece of work, I have to give him 400 euros for the materials and he said I could make my own price for his labor. Nigga whut?! I don't know shit about the stuff he did, like putting in my kitchen or bathroom. He said I should think about it and that we'll talk about it later. He has daughters. Every guy who has daughters goes easy on me. Maybe 'cause I dress in KID's CLOTHES?! Djeez I'm such a fucker. ;)

I just don't get it

2009-10-06T03:12:00.000-07:00

Here are a bunch of yee-haws being all proud of a 5 y/o boy who killed a 10 ft alligator with a rifle. I just think it's sick! Such a beautiful animal so why kill him? For what?

Feels like uni years all over again

2009-10-05T09:34:00.001-07:00

Skipped work since Wednesday, I know it ain't good but I was so fed up after working all those hours working over time. Sent out a dozen resumes and went out with some girlfriends. We had so much fun!!!!! I sometimes think about waiting tables again, just get an easy job and then work out what to do next. But I think it's not a smart thing to do, you since I have this master's degree and all...plus I make a whole lot more dough right now. But oh how I'd love to have a job that can make me catch my breath a little bit! My parents would freak out though;-)

I'm in my new apartment, spending the night here again. I have yoga class tonight and it's in my own street! How wonderful for the lazy ass that I am. :-)

I thought it could be interesting

2009-10-02T13:02:00.000-07:00

Cris had a first date this week with a guy who has one hand. He lost the other one when he was 15, at new year's eve. Out here we have a lot of illegal fireworks and lots a young kids get wounded by makeshift bombs.

"He's a nice boy and all" she said. "But I just can't get over the HAND!!!"

I don't know, I thought it was kinda intimidating, in a good way. It seems that a guy with one hand could be more interesting than one with both. But that's probably bullshit, what do I know?

I always found amputated limbs intruiging, when I was 16 I made an art class assignment about an amputated Asian guy, 'Chino, the amputated motherfucker'. It was a comic book about an alcoholic teenager with one arm and one leg who spent his days getting booze from the liquor store and sleeping with his mom.

Hahaha, the humor I had in high school has stuck with me!!! :-D

Whining

2009-10-01T04:13:00.000-07:00

I'm still a bit ill so I'm at B's one day more. I feel guilty for leaving my co worker but the over time was making me lose my mind not to mention my physical health. And, while buying your own apartment is great, it's costing me all my dough and that ain't all that bad but it takes a lot of your free time too! Going to IKEA, furniture shopping in those big ass God forsaken furniture malls, DIY-stores (djeez, I think I've been there 3 times a week for the past 4 months) and all that shit. And B doesn't like the house and is always finding something negative. He doesn't do it on purpose so I ain't mad but let me tell you, it wears you out!

So I'm happy to sleep in yesterday and today and that I'm just hanging out. Maybe I'll go to a DIY-store tonight, go pick up my new pair of jeans (bell bottoms, yeah!) and sleep in my apartment after that. But this afternoon I'm gonna just chill out and maybe read:

I bought it online but haven't started yet. I'm listening to lots of Pearl Jam in my car again. Have a nice day!

It ain't me they're lookin' for

2009-09-30T05:53:00.001-07:00

Since I moved in with B temporarily, there wasn't a lot of blogging.
I don't know, it's a private thing. I'm not having a baby yet. I did have to work a 16 hour shift the day before yesterday and worked Saturday and Sunday morning en worked on Friday - my day off - and worked 'till 11 pm on Wednesday. And I do not get paid the over time.

My boss says it's gonna happen more often 'cause there's just lots and lots of work.

This job sucks, once again and I'm gonna find myself another one.

I called in sick today. And I'm not checking my work mail. Fuck 'em.

Apart from this I'm doing great! :-D

Babies havin babies

2009-07-28T09:18:00.001-07:00

B and I have decided to ditch the pills! We're gonna try and make a baby y'all!

So I guess that was my last hard partying in a long, long while.

:-D So excited...

Enough of the indulgement

2009-07-21T11:08:00.000-07:00

I reeeeally got my party on this weekend, so hard that I puked yesterday at work and I'm planning to hit the sack by 10 tonight. B and some friends met Amily and some other friends at this house music festival. There were like, It was great but very hard partying. Something I won't be doing again sometime soon!

My new job has been treatin' me a bit better lately. Maybe I just had to get used to the new people and environment, shit like that. I just had to adjust and well, I'm my own self more and more. The one that doesn't give a shit and just wants to get the job well done, go home and hang out with her friends!

Working gal?

2009-07-05T04:25:00.000-07:00

I just heard it'll take another month before the apartment's ready! Aaah! But it's ok, there's nothing I can do about it, really.

I started my new job this week and there's another girl starting in the same position as I am and she is soooooo fanatic!!! She keeps asking really critical questions and is very active. And I? I am not. I'm more of a slowly going, observe things and people before I act kinda gal. So I'm a bit self-concious. I'm afraid they'll see that I suck in comparison to her. Ugh. I don't know, in every other job I did really well so I guess I'll just have to be myself and not try to be like her. Hell, I don't want to be like her!!! I'm easy like Sunday mornings!!!

Career? Yes! Working like a crazy person and then be burnt out by the time I'm 30? Noooooo!
God, my private life is waaay more important than my career. But maybe being well educated means having to be like her? I don't know.

B's granddad passed away last Wednesday so I'll miss tomorrow's introduction in Amsterdam, too. Oh well, we'll see what happens.

Tiles, kitchens and movies!

2009-06-13T07:44:00.000-07:00

Busy busy busy with the new apartment! Went out to buy tiles for my new little bathroom today. The money's flying outta my pocket but it's all for a good cause.

We have to go to a barbecue at B'm Mum's house, and while I'm more into a nice evening with B, have some dinner and talk (Lord knows we need it!) we cannot say no to his mum since we found out she has cancer. Plus I had a late night with my girls yesterday so I'm pretty beat. Oh well....

I saw some nice movies, small and big!

Downloading Nancy was beautifully shot, nice flat colors that went superb with the unheimisch-ness of the story. It was a bit on the slow side and I really can't handle people like Nancy who are just so unhappy and don't do shit about it. But the actress and two actors are really convincing. If you like a good fucked up story about the lives of people, I'd say go see!

I also went to see The Hangover with Martin, we laughed our asses of for a good 2 hours! I wasn't expecting it to be this funny so it was great! I haven't seen a comedy as good as this one in lots and lots of years. :-D

Keith and his girls

2009-05-26T13:04:00.000-07:00

Daddy:

Kiddies:

I reeeeeally dig their hair but if I try to pull off this tousled bed hair, I look like a damn bag lady. And apart from all the heroin intake, he seems like a fun, loving dad. Which reminds me of my own Dad, who'll be flying in in July. I hope the appartment's ready!

Boooooring!

2009-05-26T11:09:00.001-07:00

Blogging is a very private thing for me, so while I'm living with B, I haven't been much of a blogger. I'm seriously contemplating my job (I'm gonna sign the contract the day after tomorrow, yay!!), my relationship (going on 6 years now and still lots of discontentment on both sides, when is this gonna be easier?! I'm freaking out! He's freaking out! We've been fighting every weekend since I've been here, now ain't that shitty?!), and stupid shit like what kind of kitchen do I want.

So, not much new here, I'm gonna go iron some of our clothes and then practice in the mirror how I'm gonna tell my soon to be ex-boss to shove the job in his arse. Heh.

They wanna hire me!

2009-05-12T10:09:00.000-07:00

YaaaY! The CEO is gonna call me about how much moola I'm gonna be makin' and I have to meet another big boss. The boss boss that is. Turns out this dude's just the commercial boss.

Now if the dark relationship cloud could just fuck the hell off, I'd reeeally be in heaven.

I'm so happy!

Messin with my mind

2009-05-12T01:09:00.001-07:00

Just came back from the presentation, it didn't go really bad but it could've been better. I'm very sad about the whole B thing, my Mom has said some very insightful but not so happy things about our relationship this weekend. She also told me some stuff my grandma told her about us and it wasn't good. It's been playing over and over in my head and it doesn't do my state of mind any good.

Oh well. I will be sad if I don't get the job but I have another job interview this afternoon. So I'll have other chances.

Two favourites

2009-05-11T03:29:00.000-07:00

Anthony Kiedis with Leo DiCaprio.... Gosh he's getting old! And short. He reminds me of my Dad :-D

working nine to five

2009-05-11T01:56:00.000-07:00

We had our first fight this weekend and it was about... me going out with my friends. He's jealous. Ugh. I'm not doing anything bad there, just dancing and drinking and hanging out. I work full time so I think I deserve a break on weekends. And it's not like I'm going out Thursday to Sunday, mostly it's just one weekend night. I was at my Mom's yesterday and I cried my eyes out. She was very understanding and told me I had to do what makes me happy. 'Cause it'll come back and bite me in the ass if I hold back on things I like to do for me. It's not weird that I am the way that I am 'cause my parents are so inidivualistic. B calls it egotistical but whatever.

I've had two job interviews this week and I didn't even apply. I was head hunted!!! First interview was with two young recruiters and they called me after a few hours to tell me they were very enthusiastic about me. And could I come in on Friday to meet the CEO? So I did, he was very nice, he told me he liked me to come work for them but I had to do an written assessment first. So Sunday afternoon I wrote my ass off to turn it in before 17.00. This morning I got an email saying he gave it a first glance and it looked good. Tomorrow at 8 am I have to give a presentation about it and then they'll make me an offer or not. Tomorrow in the late afternoon I have a job interview at another company, if this fails.

I hope I'll be victorious! I've been putting so much effort in finding a job, so I hope it'll pay off!

Living together is kinda nice actually

2009-05-03T07:28:00.000-07:00

I have moved in with B temporarily... and while I always felt anxious about living together, so far it...ROCKS!!!

We can do our own thing, like yesterday I moved some last stuff out of my old house and Ollie and my uncle came to help. I went to hang out with my 6 y/o nephew who is developing quite well (a bit too well, perhaps) in terms of sexuality. We colored, played videogames and talked. He's very talkative. He is also very easily distracted. I love him, so funny and bright as he is.
Anyways, I went to have dinner at Cris' mom, who's an alcoholic. A few weeks ago Cris went to pick her up at the airport and her mom didn't come out of the gate. Turned out she was so drunk they refused to let her enter the plane. Ugh.

Cris was very pissed off and I could still sense her anger. You know, the passive-agressive kind. But maybe that's also because she has developed a tiny habit the last weeks and that shit doesn't do your mood any good. Oh well. All in all I could see her mom was doing her best to have a nice meal and not drink too much wine. And then I went home and when I turned into the street I saw that the lights were on and I was so glad he was there! We hung out and hit the sack pretty late. Still, I'm glad were taking it one step at a time. I'm in no hurry to settle down and when my own appartment is ready I will be thrilled.

I had my first pap smear two weeks ago. I'm getting the results this week. Aaah!

Horror holidays, moving and friend. My friends!

2009-05-01T11:28:00.000-07:00

Every year we celebrate our Queen mum's mum's birthday. The royal family visits a town or a village and all the kiddies get to perform and wave to the queen. It's all good, the night before there are parties in our center with life music and lots and lots and lots of beer. It's also my bf Ollie's B-day so it's double the fun for me always. This year I'd been packing in some more in the evening and on Queens day I moved out of my old house, so not a lot of partying for me this year. I turned out a really desperate soul has ruined our Queens day this year and jammed his car into the people who were waving at the Queen, killing 5 people. The driver, a Dutchman died in the hospital.

Ugh. Why do these things have to happen?

Today I cleaned out my old house, my Mom came in later to help me. Tomorrow we're gonna move some last small things and then next week the garbage people'll come pick up some old computers and an old bed and shit. I've moved in temporarily with B and while I'm enjoying his company a whole lot I cannot wait until my appartment is ready and mine. I was gonna go out tonight but I just tumbled out of the shower and I think I'm just gonna stay in. B's playing snooker so it's just me and the kitty cat!

Cris and I just hung up and she did a lot of partying yesterday, she was partyin so hard she had a nosebleed. Tomorrow night we're having dinner at her mom's house, she's making steak! Yay, I love these dinners, always just the three of us hanging out, gossiping, drinking and smoking. Love it!

It's a beautiful Saturday!

2009-04-25T05:05:00.000-07:00

Nice weather and all but I'm in my house cleaning out my closet and packing stuff in. I can't believe I just put 50 pairs of jeans all in size 24/25 away. What was I a few years ago, anorexic?? (NO I wasn't)

I confessed the recreational drug use on Cris' b-day to B. I can't keep shit from him, it's not my way to go apparently. Why, I'm so grown up! Or not.

For your viewing pleasure...

2009-04-23T10:54:00.000-07:00

How come this guy never seems to grow old and ugly? He's like 45 or something man!

I am a T.W.A.T.

2009-04-23T10:19:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I had the best in-house b-day party in years! Just because I laughed my ass off with my girlfriends and some of the ugly guy-friends o' Cris. Cris only hangs out with ugly dudes. It was so hilarious. It was so fun I even blew B off: he called me at 3 am, he was with his homebuoyas and ready to leave. We kinda made plans to sleep at eachother's house but I was having so much fun I told him I wanted to stay. If I hadn't gulped down all those half-a-liters of lager I would have went home like the docile young lady that I am but give me too much beer and the bear is lose! Needless to say B wasn't too pleased with me:-S

This is how I acted, I'm such a bastard, I don't even understand why my friends still hang out with me and/or why B has been putting up with me for the past almost-six years.

Anyways: I insulted a friend of hers by screaming at him that he was a twat. It was ridiculous 'cause I didn't even know him and I hadn't even talked to him. I threw empty cigarette boxes at two of her other friends. I kept gossipping way too loud about the other people at the party with one of her girlfriends who is just as satanic as I am only she hides it way better than I do. In the end I asked a guy why he was still there. And I laughed/cackled while doing this! The next morning I apologized and used the uberlame excuse that I had too much to drink.

God I hate myself sometimes but I had a great time! The next day Emily, Cris and I had a large breakfast, stayed in bed and watched this movie:

It sucked. You'd think Liam Neeson and Famke Janssen (you go Dutchy!) would pick a movie with a reasonably realistic script. Nuh uh. It's about a Liam's and Famke's 17 y/o daughter who's going to Europe with a friend and then they fall into the hands of Easter European gangstas who smack foreign bitches up and force them to prostitute themselves. Liam's an ex CIA agent so he has all these skills to track her down. The story sounded good but it was so unrealistic, this stuff happens on a day to day basis in some places, you'd think they'd do some proper research before they write this shit down?! But no, I guess that was just too much to ask!
I say, only go see if it's on tv OR if you're a real Liam/Famke fan you should rent it 'cause it isn't their acting that's gonna bug you. They're pros man!

Am I a small part of a damn cult??

2009-04-22T12:04:00.001-07:00

I've been doing yoga for a year now, I picked it up after I started with this hell-ass job of mine because I knew I had some serious levelling out to do. The levelling out means drinking copious amounts of alcohol on weekends, doing yoga on Monday and say my prayers whenever I hit the hay sober.

Anyways, the yoga I practice is Dru Yoga. And it's really weird, if I do it, I don't reeeeally notice any change, I still get pissed off, I still hate stuff and I curse like a sailor. I feel good, but not better than in my pre-yoga years. I'm not at all zZzen. But, when I don't go for a week I start to get agitated and feel hard instead of soft. I can't really explain it. So yesterday, being all happy about my class the day before, I started to google this particular type o' yoga and I came across a lot of bad news about Dru Yoga. Mansukh Patel, the guy who started it all is supposedly a cult leader who has sexually harrassed his naive followers and lots of people who have exited the group (Life foundation) have made statements about the crazy stuff that's going on there.

And I just don't know... yoga makes me feel good and my teacher's a very sweet lady but come to think of it, the building is a very beautiful brownstone where people (voluntarily) work to fight against poverty. She teaches in her big ass living room. This all exactly fits the profile of the slandering websites. They say the teachers must donate all of their income to the organisation and the foundation buys lots of real estate (?!). The followers only get like some pocket change. She really does live like someone who doesn't (have to) have a lot of things. You know, second hand furniture and stuff. But I thought that was the way yoga teachers are???

Do I stay here and risk that I'm contributing to a cult by paying my fees??? Or do I find another yoga group in a normal setting? Djeez, I just wanted to chill the fuck out and then you read this shit!!

Reading dark shit

2009-04-18T07:29:00.000-07:00

Since I didn't have any internet access at home I read more, I read the Heroin Diaries by Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue fame. I really don't like that glam rock shit, HATE IT to be honest but I love a good rock story. Damn, heroin sure equals dark and unhappy! I'll never be touching that shite! Maybe once? Naah, just kidding. They all end up living happily ever after so that's good. I read he was dating Kat von D. so if that's not happy I don't know what is.

And now I'm reading this biography of Axl Rose. It's ok but the writer's opinion seeples through the words which is not a real good thing in a biography if you ask me. But it's an exhillirating story, about the music and how those guys became so big and all the temptation and paranoia that comes with being a rock star of that caliber.

Since I'm pretty unhappy with the whole work situ, maybe reading these fucked up drugs stories aren't the best picks right now. I'm gonna finish the Axl book and then go pick out a happy book. Some chick lit shit or whatever.

Keepin' my head up!

2009-04-18T07:14:00.000-07:00

Sorry that rant was on top for the past two weeks but my internet got disconnected too soon. I'm here 'till May 1 so I had them put it back on.

But, here I go again: Aaah! I had three job interviews this week and two of them went shitty and one went well but I got the ixnay on two, included the one that went well. They dug me but they went with another girl that had worked at the company before. Ugh.

I'm just gonna continu searching untill I find a nice work place. Meanwhile I have a well paid job in my field so it's not all that bad. B is soooo supportive it's almost scary haha!

And it's weekend! I'm cleaning my house out for the big move, throwing stuff away feel really good. I'm sooo ready for a new chapter in my life and while not everything, or better yet while everything's NOT going the way I'd want them to I'm just gonna take life as it comes and not freak out too much 'cause it's useless.

Tonight's Cris' B-day so I'm gonna see lots of friends and family of hers and drink lots and lots and lots of beer.

Life ain't so shitty???

2009-04-01T11:33:00.000-07:00

While I had two super duper weeks, this week hasn't been treating me well.

Up: I won a book gift certificate. I was invited for a job interview at a graphic design school. I was invited for two other talks about other positions, which meant I had three interviews yesterday. I'm the only one going (at this agency) for a writing job, they've rejected all the other appliers.

Down: I was rejected for the job at the graphic school. They said they were ready to take me but one other person had more experience in education. He asked if I was happy about the fact that there were 140 applicants and I made it to the top. Dude, there's only one winner. The rest of us are losers. Second best is losing too, in my book or am I just going Kurt Cobain on y'all?
I scratched my brother's car while trying to park. I scratched my mom's car a month ago. I don't know why these family members keep lending me their cars! My bro is on vacay. I'll tell him when he gets back. I was in that car for 5 hours in total yesterday, got detoured for an hour and 15 minutes because of the Afghanistan top meeting with ole' miss reefer suckin' Clinton. I was ready to give back my driver's licence and just go back to moving by train.
The writing job firm is really really difficult and strict. They keep rejecting everybody. It's not a good thing that they are so damn picky.

I don't like my job. I don't like my boss. I really want another job. Please God, help me find another job. Amen, brotha!

I don't know about y'all...

2009-03-25T01:05:00.000-07:00

But I love seeing Vincent in these cheapass H&M clothes! Nice!
But ehm... did the briefing say: "Hey lady, you have to open your mouth as WIDE as possible in ALL PICS. And you Vinnie, you should just press your lips together as TIGHT as possible, aiight?" Alrighty then...

Check THIS out!

2009-03-23T07:07:00.000-07:00

The best piece of new music I've heard in ages. It's my favourite song on The Empyrean. You really have to listen the whole 8 minutes. It kicks ass! That bass! Those vocals!

I so love John Frusciante!
There are all kinds of rumours/quotes surfacing, about the Peppers not playing/getting together anymore. I don't know the truth but if it's so, we have lots and lots of recordings of them, plus a lot of solo shit. We can listen to those for years and years on end, so I'm happy with them either way.

Movielifting

2009-03-23T06:52:00.000-07:00

Emily and I went to see Marley & Me last week, it was a long tale, I think non-dog/animallovers wouldn't like it that much. But then again, if you're not into dogs you're not going to go see this movie in the first place so I guess that's that.

We laughed. Jenn An is a likable character, they're all likable. The kids were not compatible though, it would be very unlikely that those two people would breed such children. Plus, the way Jenn's character was an up-and-coming career woman went to being this stay at home doiley was insane. But it was based on a true story so I guess that's one of the dangers of having kiddos.
I'd say go see if you dig dogs and/or Jenn Aniston/The blonde Owen with the nose...

Then, we stayed in the theatre and sneaked into Watchmen! Without paying! I love these kinds of tricks, it's not about the 10 bucks we saved but about the Do-whatever-the-hell-you-want-approach. Don't do that enough these days...

But it wasn't our cuppa tea, we stayed until we found out how the blue guy turned blue and we hauled ass outta there after that. Next time we'll go prepared, 'cause we were so thirsty after 1,5 movie!

I wish it was Friday once again!

2009-03-22T09:50:00.000-07:00

I've been driving! It's fun! But sometimes I get nasty faces from other drivers, indicating that I am indeed a shitty driver! But I don't know, everybody's learned it so I'm gonna give myself the time to learn to drive a little less like a blind person.

Two of my co-workers have been laid off, one lady that had to be given a steady contract and one young lady that's just, I don't know, replacable to them. When they told us the news my boss came in right away to tell me that I wasn't going to be laid off. Like I had to be grateful or happy or whatever. But you now what, to hell with them and to hell with the recession!

I was looking for another job 6 months ago, and then stopped because I had one interview and it sucked and then decided I was buying a house and then being a bit more content with my current position. But you know what, I'm gonna get in gear again and apply. I don't want to get sacked in September like my workmateys!

B and I went clubbing on Friday, and it was an underground scene before and now it's manstream as fuck and we decided to not go to these parties anymore. Too crowded, too little music lovers, too much assholes. So I guess we're gonna be looking for another B&S clubbing thing!

On Sasturday I went to volunteer at my friend Kris's work. She works with disabled kids, Down syndrome's and such. They had a spring party with lots of playthings for the kiddies and a big band. That was fun because one kid, (who has parents who're not in the picture and are alcoholics. They weren't there while other parents of the kids were. It hurt to see him.) kept bogarting the mic and kept singing these non-words to non-songs. It was great! It was fun but I was very tired and a bit hungover. Next year I'm gonna stay in the night before;-)

B and I watched Ben Button last night. It was beautiful but a tad too long for my taste. I liked the acting of Taraji P. Henson, who was Ben's adoptive mom and of Tilda Swinton the woman with whom he had an affair at the hotel, who plays distant, lonely, intelligent and deep better than any woman I've ever seen. Those icy ices do an excellent job. I didn't quite like Cate Blanchett's playing, it just seemed too one dimensional to me.

I'd say go see, if you haven't already! The story's wonderfully original!

Cars

2009-03-12T07:59:00.000-07:00

Today I went in to close my mortgage deal off. The advisor guy is very nice & very bald. It all went smoothly and after that I went to pick up the goodies I'd ordered at my brother's & nephew's shop. My nephew was there and we hung out and then my brother came in.

And he had a suprise for me....and it is....

A CAR!!!!!

It's a small Nissan Micra, burgundy colored, it's so cute!

The right front headlight's a bit fucked up so my bro's gonna fix this weekend. If it goes smoothly then I'll get it on Monday! He gave me a Volkswagen to drive in the mean time 'cause he's buying another car today. Yowza! This is my lucky day! A mortgage and a car, my payments are going through the Goddamn roof this year. But it's ok, it just means I have to quit the posh restaurants and buying bullshit until I have a better paying job.

I don't care what people say about him....

2009-03-08T14:01:00.000-07:00

... but I've been listening to some old Guns 'n Roses tunes and Axl Rose rocked! And I really hope he still rocks now, I've been listening to some of the Chinese Democracy tunes but it didn't really float my boat. Maybe I'd better go give it another try?

I don't know what it is, but I have the urge to listen to all my nineties music lately. I was heavily into hip hop and house and all that the past ten years but the whole rock thing has come back. Maybe it's because my teens were a bit of whirlwindy and I had to take time to come to terms with it all? And now I'm comfortable to look my old selve in the eye and tell myself it's ok.

Or maybe I just like MUSIC! Fucking hell, I'm such a boneheaded, narcissistic pop-psychologist;-)

Anyway, look at Axl's fashion sense, it's off the hook! And you know, when you see them play live and he runs from one end of the stage to another and sings his ass off? It looks so good, I wanna do that too!

Movies and kitchens!

2009-03-08T10:42:00.000-07:00

B and I saw the Wrestler, I always digged Mickey, ever since I saw him in Barfly in my teenage years. I can't stop loving stuff and ppl I liked in my teens, it's like they can do wrong. Anyways, the movie was excellently shot, it was dark, dirty and gritty, just the way it was supposed to. But the ending was a total buzzkill. And Mickey, what can I say, he's definitely is BACK, alive and looking weird!

We also saw Milk, and the Oscar winning mr. Penn. I thought it was a good movie, it really made me root for those gays. I was very sucked in by the emotions and the whole movement thing. I thought mr. Penn was very good, but not better than in Dead man walking or in I am Sam or She's so lovely. But I always thought the whole Oscar thing is pretty much a bullshit thing to begin with. Oh and you have to see James Franco in this one, I've seen him in Spiderman but I didn't think much of him. But here, as a strong and sensitive gay man he's not too shabby!

I also saw The Unborn, it was CRAPPY! But I'm a total horror fiend so I sat through the whole thing, B fell asleep in the first 30 min. The girl is a hot Megan Fox look-a-like but I guess that's not enough. Anyways, the story wasn't even that bad, but the special effects were so so shitty! It was as scary as LOTHR's Gollum!
Plus, Gary Oldman was in it... what the hell is he doing in a smack movie like The Unborn?!?!?!?

It just baffles me, some of the choices seemingly good people make...

Anyways, friday night Iwent with my mom to look at kitchens for my new appartment... kitchens! I only cook like, once a week! But maybe I'll cook more often in this nice and shiny kitchen thing.

I had to buy myself some goodies...

2009-03-04T13:13:00.001-08:00

Although I don't reeeally have the money! I'm gonna save money by not going out for dinner as much. I'm going to cook come more slash invite myself over to go eat at friend's and family's houses;-)

Plus, they're on sale and adorable!

Grown up boring things

2009-03-04T11:02:00.000-08:00

I'm filling in all these tax things and let me tell you, it's a lot more complicated when you're buying a house! And on top of that, I'm damn tired. God bless the day I don't have to work full-time anymore!

B is still giving me shit 'cause of the house, but we're sticking with eachother so that's good in a not so happy way.

Seein hearin

2009-02-21T08:34:00.000-08:00

I went to see the film Gomorra last weekend with Martin. It was great! It's an Italian maffia movie, but not like the Godfather or Scarface. I really dig those maffiafilms, not only because of the roughness and the stories but also for my viewing pleasure. They certainlydress the part in those films and the actors are very easy on the eye, to say the least. Well, don't expect that same level of aesthetics from Gomorra. Do you want the rawness?? Well, then check it out!

And I bought the cd 'Nico' by Blind Melon. They brought it out after Shannon Hoon, their singer, died. I've been listening to it lots, singing along to all the tunes.

I went to have dinner with my driving teacher and Marianne and Karolyn last night, we had lots of laughs! And today B and I went out to lunch with Sandy. She's pregnant! B' s giving me serious shit about buying a house by myself. Pfff. This situ is so fucked up, his mom being sick as hell 'n all, the work he's missing 'cause of the recession/depression. To be honest, the thought of living together depresses the shit out of me. Our relationship hasn't been the funnest for a few years, ever since his sponsor went away. And we're sticking together you know, 'cause that's what you do when you love eachother but I haven't been looking forward to seeing him and hanging out together in a long while. I keep hoping that it's just a (kinda long) phase and when we get through this, we'll come out stronger.

My granny nanny

2009-02-18T12:58:00.001-08:00

My granny used to be a nanny. The kids she had to look after were two sisters and we hung out for quite a few years in the old days. We had lots of sleepovers at my granny's house with 4 grandchildren, the two nanny kids, two neighbour kids and then my 4 uncles who were age 12 to 20 back then. I can't believe my granny didn't go crazy with all those kids in the house but she didn't, she was a happy clam.
When I think of those times I'm really happy. Despite everything that happened in my pubescent years, I had a superb childhood. It was all play and no work!

And last week my uncle said the youngest girl called him to chat and she told him she'd really like to see my granny. And it's a good feeling that other people smile when they think about their childhood just like I do.

Why do I always have the feeling I'm on the verge of things?

2009-02-15T10:53:00.000-08:00

I've made a mistake last night and hope I got away with it. It didn't have anything to do with love. I'm feeling a bit guilty but I'm sticking with my plan anyway. But I know karma's a little fucker that'll bite me in the ass, maybe not now but it definitely will eventually.

My Dad has visited us for a month. He has flown away today, and although four weeks was a bit on the longer side, the house really is a bit empty right now. And I have to start cooking again, since my stepmom cooked everyday. B is very sad but he has smiles that make him look like his old selves once in a while.

I am content, in a weird, funny way.

I've got it!

2009-02-10T13:41:00.000-08:00

I passed my exam! I have my licence :-)

I can drive, finally.

Yay!

I should try this too!

2009-02-09T10:39:00.000-08:00

Beautiful...

2009-02-08T11:41:00.001-08:00

John Frusciante has his 10th album out and although I have a coupon to go get it I still haven't. But the artwork's great, isn't it?

Sign me up for those rays!

2009-02-07T04:03:00.000-08:00

My new bikini, although it's 4 degrees Celcius. I am an idiot!